


empty letters (to you)

by Skyrogue



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Mentions, Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, DeanCas - Freeform, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide mention, nothing is carried out though, the oc's are brief and mostly background but whatevs, writing letters to deal with grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26982460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyrogue/pseuds/Skyrogue
Summary: after cas is taken to the empty, dean takes up writing short letters to cas as a way to deal with his grief. he goes through all the steps in random order -- as most people do. he tells cas what he's feeling, what's happening around him, and everything he's doing to get cas back.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, background Sam Winchester/Eileen Leahy - Relationship, background claire/kaia - Relationship, background jack/female oc
Comments: 34
Kudos: 70





	1. 2020

**Author's Note:**

> okay, so i originally meant for this to maybe be just a handful of short, heartbreaking letters, but as per usual it got away from me, so i'm turning it into a five part fic with an epilogue. i've been reading a lot of fics revolving around cas's deal with the empty and it has me SO sad all the time and i wanted to be apart of it but also figure out a way to make mine different. i hope ya like it :)
> 
> follow me on [tumblr](https://hallowena.tumblr.com) for more destiel and supernatural content!

_11-12-20_

we beat god today. you would’ve been so proud of jack, he did the hardest part. he killed the son of a bitch. now michael and adam are balancing out the universe. the darkness and the light in one body. don’t ask me which one is which, i don’t care as long as the world keeps on spinning.

it’s only been a week since we lost you. we miss you. i miss you. sam and eileen ran off to be a happy couple and now i’m kind of jack’s only dad. you were always better at all this parent stuff than me, for some reason. i’m looking for a way to bring you back but i haven’t found anything yet. i won’t stop looking.

_12-31-20_

jack and i pulled out all the stops for the holiday. cut down a tree, decorations all over the bunker, presents, a big dinner with sam and eileen. i felt alone without you. now it’s new years and i can’t stop crying. i loved you for years and the only time i did something about it was right before the empty took you. we had one kiss and we were both crying and then i never saw you again. i would’ve liked to kiss you more. good morning kisses and good night kisses and good luck kisses and i love you kisses. christmas kisses that taste like eggnog and pie. new years kisses that sparkle more than the wine we’re drinking. actually, that’s way too cheesy. scratch that.


	2. 2021

_ 1-6-21 _

it’s cliche to pay money to name a star after someone, so i just did it for free. it’s the brightest one in the virgo constellation and i started calling it cas. i figured you’d be a virgo since we met on september 18th and i guess i just think of that day as your birthday. and i also read zodiac personalities for the first time the other day and i think you’re definitely a virgo. anyway, it’s freezing but i come out at night and hang out on the roof of the bunker and pretend you’re looking down on me from up there. i wish you were.

_ 1-24-21 _

i turned 42 today. i’d like to think you’d make fun of me for looking older than an angel who was there at the beginning of the universe. i’d like to think i’d find some gray hair on your head and we could look old together. 

_ 3-21-21 _

saw someone with dark hair and a trench coat and i yelled your name. it wasn’t you.

_ 5-29-21 _

sam and eileen dragged me and jack to a farmers market today. they had honey there. remember when you gave me honey in a ziplock baggie? or that time you showed up on my car naked and covered in bees? i’m sorry for telling you i didn’t care that you were broken. i did care. i’d taken a broken cas over no cas any day.

_ 6-3-21 _

i keep thinking you’ll just come back one day. you have a way of doing that — coming back from the dead in strange and mysterious ways. i pay your phone bill so i can call your voicemail when i miss your voice. i’ve read every book in the bunker and i haven’t found a way to bring you back, but don’t worry, i’m not done looking.

_ 7-1-21 _

can’t stop drinking. every day. miss you more than anything. i’d blow up the moon to get you back cas. i’d blow up myself.

_ 9-16-21 _

i started to see someone. not romantically, of course not. she’s like a therapist. not necessarily a professional, but someone who knows the life and has a few psychology tricks up her sleeve. anyway, her name’s laura and she told me to write down things that i’m grateful for because i haven’t exactly been myself lately. so, here goes.

— i’m grateful that sam found happiness with eileen. they’re getting married in may.

— i’m grateful jack appears to be too old for high school. i don’t think i could help him with homework if i tried.

— i’m grateful you didn’t leave anything behind when you were taken to the empty. i don’t think i could have burned your body twice. i barely survived it the first time.

_ 10-7-21 _

saw a kitten in the window of a pet store with black hair and blue eyes. she looked just like you. i adopted her and bought some claritin. i named her feathers.

_ 10-28-21 _

i dropped some beef on the floor when i was cooking burgers for jack and i. feathers devoured it kinda the same way you went ham on that meat when famine was around. that guy didn’t affect me, but i know if he did, i would have stripped you down at least a dozen times that day. i wish i’d told you how i felt a long time ago. i wish we’d had the chance to make something of us.

_ 11-1-21 _

it’s coming up on the anniversary of your death. my “therapist,” laura, got me to stop drinking this last month, and being sober sucks. sam’s gonna come stay with me for a few days when it comes because he said he’s scared that i might do something stupid. which is stupid in and of itself because if i was that determined i would just wait until he was gone. maybe i am that determined.

_~~11-5-21~~ 11-6-21 _

is 3 am so i guess its not a year ago today anymore. i meant to write earlier but i got drunk. really drunk. still drunk. sams worried bout me. claire called. i miss you so much cas i

_ 11-7-21 _

i made it a whole year. sure i was a mess for most of it, but i did it. i think i forced myself to last this long to prove to myself that i could do it, but doing it for the rest of my life sounds impossible. my therapist said the first year is the hardest. so the worst is over. it doesn’t feel like it. 

_ 12-25-21 _

merry christmas, cas. i bought you a sweater.


	3. 2022

_ 1-3-22 _

jack met a girl. she’s a new waitress at that diner you loved. they have a first date scheduled for friday. i can’t believe our boy is growing up.

_ 1-7-22 _

i let jack borrow baby for his date. we went out and bought him some nice clothes and flowers for katie, that’s her, and i gave him enough money to pay for about three dates but i’m sure he’ll figure out what to do. we had lessons all this week about what is and isn’t appropriate for a first date and how he should treat a lady. it made me think of the times i had to teach you how to act human. i wish we’d had a first date.

_ 1-24-22 _

another year older. i had to start wearing reading glasses after my last trip to the eye doctor. i had to go because words are starting to look blurry after reading for only an hour. sam laughed at me but i told him to wait four more years and see what comes with old age and also to respect his elders. i’ve been going to the library every weekend and looking through the books they have on hand, which isn’t much. i’ll never admit it to anyone but you, but these glasses help a lot and i think i look pretty good in them too.

_ 3-17-22 _

i keep thinking of little human things that you don’t know anything about. have you ever had green beer on st patty’s day? sam said i should get out more, so i went to the bar. i didn’t stay long, it felt like everyone there was happy but me. i don’t think i really fit into the crowd anymore anyway. when did all these people get so young?

_ 5-8-22 _

i went to mom’s old grave today. her body hasn’t been here in years but i didn’t know where else to go for mother’s day. maybe i should make a headstone for you. i don’t know where i’d put it.

_ 5-29-22 _

sam and eileen got married. i was his best man and i gave the most awkward speech of my life. maybe i cried a little. maybe i’m worried about losing sam. maybe i worry about eventually losing jack too. maybe i’m worried that i lost myself a long time ago.

_ 7-19-22 _

some people around town started asking what happened to you a few months after you left. i ended up just telling them you moved to alaska. they still ask about you sometimes. i bought a post card online and sent it to myself so the lady at the post office would stop looking at me like my puppy just died.

_ 9-18-22 _

it’s getting easier. not easy, but easier. life is going on. jack’s still dating katie and it’s going really well. eileen announced that she’s pregnant, so i’m going to be an uncle. i guess adam and michael are making things work upstairs because we haven’t had an apocalypse since god was defeated. i’ve been going to some of the libraries in other cities to read up and look for spells. nothing yet. i still miss you. happy birthday, cas

_ 11-4-22 _

it snuck up on me this year. i didn’t think that was possible. sam can’t stay with me because he wants to give eileen plenty of attention and keeps being sent out in the middle of the night for weird pregnancy cravings. but it’s fine, i’ll be busy this weekend anyway. jack’s moving in with katie. i guess he’s leaving me now too.

_ 11-7-22 _

jack’s all moved in with his girlfriend. i guess things got serious a lot quicker than i realized. the bunker’s empty now. it’s just me and feathers.

_ 12-13-22 _

i’ve never lived alone in my entire life. spent a few nights alone here and there, sure, but this isn’t the same. playing my music too loud and walking around in my underwear was only fun for a day or two. now it just feels sad. 

_ 12-18-22 _

laura keeps getting me to stop drinking and go to meetings. i keep falling off the wagon. there’s no one around to judge me now so i drink whenever i want. it’s noon 30 and i’m drunk. drunk! sam’s not here to yell at me. jack's not here to make me feel like a bad dad. feathers doesn’t even care. all she does is lay around and eat that cat food that i buy that’s way too expensive for her. you’d love this cat, she has just as much sass as you ~~do~~ did. as you did. i miss you, cas.

_ 12-27-22 _

i went on a hunt and found a witch who was killing cops in seattle. it looked like the same pattern i found in louisville but that one slipped through the cracks. when i found him, he said he was killing racist cops who liked to murder people of color because they had badges to hide behind. i couldn’t bring myself to gank him, so i made a deal. i’d let him live if he helped me get you back home. name’s will, he’s staying at the bunker until we figure it out. merry christmas to me, i guess.


	4. 2023

_ 1-16-23 _

having someone here is really nice. will’s quiet, but funny, and not being alone makes a huge difference. i’m drinking less and showering more. he likes his bacon crispy and coffee black with a little sugar, just like me, but he likes blue ties and has never seen a star wars movie, like you.

_ 1-25-23 _

will and i got drunk last night for my birthday. i sure can’t handle these hangovers like i used to 20 years ago. i can’t focus, i’ll write you tomorrow.

_ 2-7-23 _

will found a spell but it didn’t work. i had to fly to spain - FLY to SPAIN - for an ingredient and it didn’t even work. fuck i miss you, cas. we’re still looking. i’ll never give up on you.

_ 3-22-23 _

my therapist has me back on the wagon, but who knows for how long. all i’ve ever known is hunting and driving and drinking. i haven’t been doing a lot of any of those things, these days. been spending a lot of time in therapy, going to meetings, researching spells, and hanging out with will. it’s nice to have a friend.

_ 4-29-23 _

eileen had her baby. they named her mary. she’s 7 pounds and 8 ounces of pure blooded hunter. cas, she’s so beautiful i cried when i held her. you would love her so much.

_ 5-6-23 _

went to visit the girls today. jody made this big home cooked dinner and everyone was there. apparently claire and kaia have been dating for a while and they have an apartment in kansas city. alex is going back to school to become a surgeon. patience is in school for psychology, which, i guess that’s fitting. donna’s doing great. claire was wearing a trench coat that looks just like yours did. sometimes i forget i’m not the only one who lost you.

_ 5-29-23 _

i wonder if you hear prayers in the empty. i pray to you every night, cas, even when i don’t know what to say. i miss you. come home.

_ 7-4-23 _

will has been asking around with some other witches he knows and asking that they ask any more they know as well for a spell that can bring you back. we haven’t gotten anything yet. i feel like we’ve gone through everything there is in the bunker and the libraries and the internet and will’s personal stash of spell books. sam gave us all of rowena’s old spell books, but there was nothing in there. it’s hard to hold onto hope, cas. i feel like i’m screaming into a void.

i guess that’s not fair. you’re the one in the literal void.

_ 9-18-23 _

how old are you? doesn’t matter, you’re older now. i was almost 6 months sober before today happened. wish i could make you a pie for your birthday. i’d give you everything you wanted if you came back to me, everything and more. my therapist was wrong. the first year isn’t the hardest. it’s the hardest until i die.

_ 9-29-23 _

maybe i should die. it wouldn’t bring us together, but at least i wouldn’t have to keep living without you. but then i’d go somewhere - heaven, hell, purgatory, whatever - and i still wouldn’t have you. i wish there was a way i didn’t have to keep on missing you. i wish i could go to the empty too. i wish i could lay down right next to you for the rest of eternity.

_ 10-31-23 _

halloween has always been weird for me. every day is halloween for people like us, but i felt the spirit a little this year and took a walk downtown. i counted three kids in angel costumes. you’d laugh at how inaccurate they are and tell me all about how many wings and eyes and heads you have.

_ 11-5-23 _

did i tell you that i kept that old truck you drove? it’s in the garage. i took her for a spin today. i wish it smelled like you, but it’s mostly cigarettes and oil from whatever previous owner you bought it from. i see what you like about her, though. maybe i should drive her more often. she misses you too, ya know.

_ 12-25-23 _

i gave my baby to jack for christmas. i have your truck to drive around, which is great, because sometimes i can feel you in the passenger seat. sam has his hybrid car with ten million airbags to protect mary, and claire found her own ‘69 chevelle that she fixed up, so jack was the obvious choice. he was so happy, he cried and begged me to drive around with him to look at christmas lights when it got dark. she was my home for so long, but i think it’s time she made a home for jack and katie.


	5. 2024

_2-14-24_

i'm sick of going through winter cold and alone. it's nice that will's here to keep me company and feathers keeps my feet warm when i sit in one place for too long, but i lay awake at night thinking about cuddling up to you under the blankets. i spent valentine's day at a cafe outside of town. i didn't mean to stay there for so long, but i kept seeing all these couples coming in and i couldn't leave. i want that with you, cas. i want the cheesy valentine's dates and the stupid hallmark cards and holding hands as we walk around in the snow. i'm jealous of all these people. they have what we never did.

_4-6-24_

spring’s coming on slowly. mary has her first birthday party coming up. buying presents is easy for babies because you don’t have to worry about if they’ll like it, you just have to make sure the parents like it. that was going to be perfect for me, because i know sam better than anyone, but then he gave me a few tips about what to buy. i was going to buy her some custom onesies that you can make online about being a baby hunter or something, but Sam said they’re absolutely not raising her into the life. monsters will just be a fairy tale to her. what a damn lucky kid. on the down side, now i have no idea what to buy a one year old baby.

_4-29-24_

mary’s birthday was a blast. they made her her own cake and let her eat it with her hands. sam and eileen unwrapped her presents and she squealed a few times when she got some toys. i went to some baby store and asked an employee to just pick out a bunch of things to get her and put them all in a couple gift bags. honestly, i don’t even know what i got for her, but sam and eileen were over the moon about it. this baby is going to grow up so happy and spoiled. it is wrong to be jealous of an infant?

_6-7-24_

will bitches at me a lot for my bad habits and keeps swearing he’ll move out someday, but he’s been here a year and a half and i don’t think i could get rid of him if i tried. he’s good company, so i’m happy he’s stuck around so long. maybe i should work on being a better roommate, since he's working so hard to save someone he's never even met. not like he doesn't know everything about you - i never shut up when you come up.

_9-12-24_

feathers has gotten so big. i remember when she was small enough to fit in one hand. now she’s a fat, happy cat who sleeps in my lap all the time. i never want to get up. she looks so much like you, disturbing her feels like disturbing you. 

_9-19-24_

for your birthday this year, will and i went out on a hunt. we’ve been hunting a lot together since he started living with me. it was weird at first, because i had these techniques with you and with sam and i knew how both of you hunted and worked, even in different ways. i had to learn how will hunts over the—shit, almost two years we’ve been living together. but i think i’ve got him down pat now. we understand each other and we work together really well. he’s taught me a few moves and i’ve taught him some too.

it was just a demon this time. we were hunting him for information, actually, for you. brought him back to the bunker and tortured him to talk. it was rough, torturing again. but i’d torture a million demons to get you back, cas. he didn’t give us anything, but he’s still chained up in the dungeon. he’ll break. i know he will.

_9-30-24_

he did it, he broke. there’s a spell, cas, and we’re going after the ingredients right now. it’s nearly midnight but will and i are packing our bags to drive to washington for an ingredient. it’s in the fucking smithsonian. i have no idea how we’re going to get it with all the security and cameras, but will says he’ll figure something out. he’s a witch, after all.

we’re coming, cas. don’t worry. i’ll see you soon.


	6. 2025 - epilogue

_ 9-18-25 _

so, this is it. these were my last five years, cas. it’s insane, reading everything i wrote. i went through hell and back after you died and now—here we are. god that sounds so cliche, even as i write it.

needless to say, the spell worked. i got you back on the fourth of october and i’m never letting you out of my sight again. when i saw you, when i touched you, cas, i—i can’t put that feeling into words. i was so overwhelmed with relief and love and happiness all i could do was break down. you held me and i held you and we cried and kissed and fuck, cas, i never thought i’d ever see you again. bringing you back made my heart grow two sizes too big.

i’m writing this down before i give all of these letters to you as your birthday present. i needed one last entry because i want you to know everything that happened, even though i already talked your ear off about everything. about sam and eileen and mary, jack and katie, laura, will, the impala, your truck, feathers—who is probably your favorite thing in existence besides me now. i knew you’d love her.

everything's different now. sam and eileen are playing house with a two year old and another on the way, and living like civilians. jack asked katie to marry him and our son is going to be her husband in just a few short months. i'm still seeing laura, so i guess that's not so different, but i've changed with her; i've grown. will left not long after i got you back, which was bitter sweet, but now he's back to killing racist cops and i can't say i'm disappointed. we drive around in your old truck instead of the impala and it feels pretty nice now that you're behind the wheel more often - gives me plenty of time to stare at you and remember that you're back, you're really back, and this isn't just some dream. it's been almost a year since i got you back and i still pinch myself sometimes.

it feels sort of strange, knowing i’ll be giving this to you. i want you to know, it’s not my intention to make you sad or angry or anything about what i went through. i don’t want you to feel bad about anything. you did what you had to, to save our son, and i did what i had to, to bring you back, even if it meant i drank too much and felt really lonely along the way and came close to killing myself a couple times.

what i want you to feel when you read all this is that i’m tired. i’m tired of this life, cas. i’m tired of losing the people i love. i lost myself when i lost you and i never, ever want that to happen again. i want us to get out of this career. i want to find a cabin on the lake or open a damn b&b in vermont. i want to live a normal life with you. i want to be safe and happy and maybe even a little boring. i want to know that the only thing that’s going to hurt us is old age, now that you’re human. i want to spend the rest of my life with you. i want to go to heaven with you.

i guess this is a really long way of saying something that can be said in a lot fewer words, so here goes.

marry me, cas.


End file.
